Most of us begin our healing or personal development journey when we realise that we were hurt, and we deserved better. Eventually, there comes a point where we have an entirely different, and sometimes even more painful realisation – that we were the one holding the blade.
Yes, there are things that others have done to you that are awful. Yes, the world around you and the people who were meant to take care of you failed you in a lot of ways. And yes, maybe if that traumatic event didn’t happen, you would be different – happier, healthier, more at peace.
Your pain is valid, your hurt is real, and your feelings matter. Your experiences matter.
Which is why, there comes a time, when you must take responsibility for your own feelings and your own experiences, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and write yourself a new story.
Conditioning.
“The human is the only animal on earth that pays a thousand times for the same mistake.”
― Don Miguel Ruiz (The Fifth Agreement)
When you were younger, you were taught by the people around you what is “good” and what is “bad”, what is “right” and what is “wrong”, lovable and acceptable versus unlovable and unacceptable. Maybe it was that time that you voiced your discomfort, or let your tears flow, or forgot your backpack at home, broke a vase, or lost something – and you were met with anger or disappointment, or made to feel shameful or guilty.
It only takes one time for our innocent, younger selves to believe that a certain behaviour, emotion, or identity is wrong. Once we agree to the story that we are told, the conditioning and programming of those around us, it becomes truth for us too. And once we agree, we no longer have to be kept ‘in check’, we do it all on our own. We remember our mistake and we do everything we can from repeating it.
But there’s a cost for this form of “protection”: your freedom, your peace, your security, your authenticity, and your self-worth.
Rather than letting go of that “mistake” you once made and living freely, you store a laundry list of everything you’ve done wrong or could do wrong in your subconscious. Rather than accepting the pain of the moment that one time and forgiving yourself, you hold onto the emotions as reminders of your mistake. Rather than focusing on the future of where you want to go and who you want to be, you ruminate what has been and pay for that one mistake, over and over again.
Your story.
Think about it – you were worthy and whole before you made that “mistake”, right? As children, we are care-free, we expect the best from people and from the world. Then we are taught all the rules, and because of our innocence, we believe them.
Then we create a story. “I am…”/”I can’t”/”I must”
“I am not good enough if I don’t succeed in everything I do”
“They will be angry at me if I say what I want”
“I won’t get what I need if I am honest about my feelings”
The story contains conditions.
Now the question is – what happens if you change that story? What happens if you change the rules and conditions now?
Can you even change them?
You don’t have one story since you were born, you create it and adapt it as you go. You weren’t born with the belief that you aren’t good enough, you decided to believe it at 3 or 4 or maybe even 17 years old. You changed your story by creating a new rule.
So what would changing your story look like now?
Well, what if you begin by forgiving yourself for the “mistake” you made in the first place? What if you see that, even though you talked back to the adults and they didn’t like it, you are still lovable? Or what if you decide to stop calling it a mistake altogether, and decide to see it as you simply being you? After all, nothing you did as an child can ever justify the self-torture of paying for a mistake a thousand times.
Take a step back for a moment and view your life as a story written in a book – with all the villains and victims, the people who wronged you and the people who supported you. Who is the one reading that book? You are. Who is the one assigning the roles and meanings to those people and situations? You are. Who is the one deciding “I’m not good enough” or “they did this and that”? YOU ARE.
So then why?
Why are you repeating all these stories?
Because you were hurt? Abandoned? Not loved enough? Because you want to be right?
If you want to be right about this story, then so it is – you are right.
But let me tell you, the moment you decide to be right about a new story, about a story that you want, you will be right too.
A decision to be made.
If you were the one who believed you weren’t good enough, or worthy enough, or whatever enough, you can also be the one to believe otherwise.
You don’t need permission to change. You don’t need a reason to decide that you are worthy. You don’t need evidence or proof.
It can be difficult at first, to change your story, when there seems to be so many reasons and memories to justify it. This is where true transformation happens, where a lot of people give up, where only those bold and brave enough to trust themselves tread on.
If you want to change your story, and I mean truly change your entire life – you must decide that you are writing your story.
It’s that simple.
Because once you decide that you are the one writing it, you’ll begin to question why you’re writing such a sucky one.
You’ll begin to see the roles you have assigned to other people in your life, and question why you even did that in the first place.
You’ll begin to let go of the need to be right, for the need to love yourself enough to change your story.
The moment you decide that you are the one who has always written your story, and will continue to do so till the end of it, is the moment you take your power back.
If you’re interested in deepening your mindset + manifestation journey, if you’re ready to make some big changes, if you have big dreams that you want to make a reality – you’re in the right place.
My main offerings are one-on-one coaching programs, you can find out more here: https://yanazemlycoaching.com/work-with-me
If you’re not super sure yet, feel free to reach out:
Via email: yana.zemly@gmail.com
Otherwise, I update my blog weekly with new insights on mindset & manifestation to support you in your journey of creating your dream life. Thank you for being here.
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