I was an overachiever when I was a kid. I did my homework before I let myself rest, getting less than an A gave me anxiety, and I strived for nothing less than perfection in everything I did. It got my quite far in life according to society’s standards, until it didn’t.
My “success” streak ended after I completed my formal education with a Masters at a university that people regarded highly. After that, my life no longer went as I expected.
Rather than getting a respected position at a respected company, like I thought I would, I said I’d take a little break and went on an ayahuasca retreat. I’m not going to say that retreat changed my life like people often do because it was the beginning of a new life for me.
Failure and Success, Success and Failure
For years, I felt like a failure because I didn’t live life the way I thought I was “supposed to”. You know that story that is hammered to us since we are kids – go to school, get good grades, go to college, get a good job, have a family, have kids.
I felt like a failure, not because I was actually a failure for exiting that story halfway and not getting a good job, but because I still held onto that story despite no longer wanting to live it.
I felt like a failure, because according to that story, I was a failure, and all I had to do to realise my success, was to write a different story for myself.
It took me years to really understand this because the programming I grew up with was so deeply imbedded into my nervous system and my subconscious mind. Deviating from the programming was so intense and so scary, I would have almost continued to live in my mind’s prison than to break free.
The Commitment to my Truth
The major turning point for me was when I began to really question what in me is programming and what in me is my intuition – what is illusion and what is truth, what is fear and what is love.
At this point, I already did the bigger chunk of my healing, so I saw all the different parts of myself much more clearly than when I operated mostly from programming. I knew my patterns, I felt my emotions, I trusted myself to take me where I wanted to go. But I still wasn’t exactly where I wanted to be yet, so I made a commitment to my truth.
I decided that no matter what, from that point forward, I will be driven by integrity. Even if it takes me time to figure out what that means to me, even if I have to walk through hell and fear, even if I risk the loss of the people around me.
This commitment to your truth, to your authenticity, to your integrity, is the first step to truly deciphering your programming versus your fear. Because if you do not commit to your intuition 100%, you will never be able to hear it 100%.
Tip 1: Commit to your truth, no matter what.
Programming versus Intuition
Separating my programming from my intuition was one of the most confusing things I ever had to do. I’m sure you know how easy it is to get completely lost in your own mind, and getting sucked into your stories and meanings and thoughts can be extremely overwhelming.
But let me tell you this – if you are confused, it is a really good thing. It means there is a battle happening between your old story and your new story. If you weren’t confused, it means you’re operating only from your old story. There is only one narrative. The journey to a new narrative inevitably contains confusion.
For me, my two narratives were a difficult dilemma. On the one hand, I wanted to do a lot. I had a lot of ideas and a lot of dreams of what I wanted to experience and accomplish. On the other hand, I didn’t feel like it. I was too tired, unmotivated, and over the hustle mentality.
As you may see, it’s easy for a lot of people to read this and say: “It’s obvious. Don’t be lazy. Good things don’t come to those who wait. Just start. Don’t waste time!!! Don’t procrastinate!!! GO GO GO” Sounds like the typical self-help book, doesn’t it?
My mind would scream at me for wasting time, for being able to do so much more, for being behind and claiming that if I had started a year ago, I’d already be so far ahead. Yet… Yet my heart would whisper to me something that I never heard from anyone outside of me in my life: Slow down. Rest. You deserve it. There’s no rush. Trust me. Trust yourself.
And what did I do? I listened to my heart.
Intuition gets clearer the more you listen.
The thing about intuition is it is very very VERY quiet, especially in the beginning. It’s such a faint inkling that it’s so easy to miss.
Tip 2: Intuition is really quiet. Fear is loud and will scream at you in a judgemental way, but intuition will always be a faint and quiet suggestion. Silence and stillness is super important if you want to connect with your intuition and actually hear it.
I didn’t listen to my intuition right away. It took me at least two years of being torn apart by the dilemma I described above before I really learned to trust myself. There were times when I slipped up and I’d start applying to jobs I didn’t like because I felt unworthy being supported by my parents at 25 years old. There were times that I would fill my day with “productive” things like cleaning and working out just so I can feel a little safe.
But despite all that struggle, I chose, day by day and little by little, to trust the tiny little whisper that told me to trust my path.
Intuition will never force you.
Intuition comes from the divine, from your heart, from the Source that is much greater than anyone and anything in this Universe. Therefore, it will always be pure. It will never go against your own will or push you to do anything that you’re not ready to do.
Intuition will always come as a suggestion, as light as a feather, and will always be for the highest and greatest good of all. Which is why, it will never ever rush you, because rushing is forcing, and forcing is against your free will.
God is limitless. The Creator is endless, timeless, spaceless. Therefore, you are never ever too late. You have never lost time and you can never make a mistake.
Tip 3: Intuition will never rush you or force you. It will provide suggestions that are for your greatest good.
Fear may rush you out of the idea that you may lose something – time, an opportunity, a person. Fear will get you to feel like you need to prove yourself. Fear will make you do things in order to feel safe and secure, to seek certainty. But intuition will always be pure. It doesn’t need proof, it doesn’t need to justify itself, it doesn’t need to seek an explanation. Fear will always have a good reason for why you should or should not do something. Intuition is the opposite. It will give you just enough information, but it will not necessarily give you more just to make you feel secure. The assumption is that you are already secure, you are already whole, you do not need to prove that.
Tip 4: Intuition doesn’t have to make sense and it does not have to be logical. If you need to justify or prove your action or non-action, it’s probably not intuition.
Your intuition will continue to nudge you until you finally hear it, so you never have to worry about it going away. You will always have another opportunity and there are no mistakes. Sometimes, we need to go against our intuition to actually understand what our intuition does feel like – so even going against it serves you on your journey.
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